Beaten…yet
You have made me more than a conqueror.(Rom 8:37).
In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

Like a failure….yet
You have made me an overcomer (1 Jn 5:4).
For everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith

Fearful….yet
You did not give me a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind (2 Tim 1:7).
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

Troubled….yet
You are my peace (John 14:27).
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

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Finals week is bringing me down, but I hope that during this time, God will stay with me and comfort me. 

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

1 Peter 5:7

You can do it. These next few weeks won’t be easy, and you may not be joyful or satisfied everyday, but keep trying. Remember that the strength you need can only be found in Christ so take it easy. Relax, quiet your heart, and seek the Lord daily. Don’t call upon the Lord just for help. Instead, pray to Him with a thankful heart because you’re alive. The sun will still continue to shine, the pretty flowers will still bloom, and your friends/family will still be around to love and support you. God knows what you need and He will provide abundantly. And even if you fail, remember that your failures can still be used for His glory. Just trust Him and believe in yourself too. You can do it. 

Love,
Vickie

Lately, I’ve been noticing something that’s occurring more often now. ..

People recognizing me. 

Like this afternoon, when I was working with Sean, our client mentioned that he saw ____’s pictures that I took in November. For a good 5 minutes, I was pretty shocked. 

It’s interesting how I’ve transitioned from Stanley’s little sister to a photographer now. Is this good for me? Is this what I want? I mean, being spotted out as so-and-so’s roommate is one thing, but I’m being recognized for my works now, and these are by people I’ve never met, spoken to, or even seen! I don’t even know how they know my existence or what I look like! I do feel slightly scared and nervous because I don’t work well with attention. 

But I mean, it’s always funny when I respond with a very confused and shocked look.. and they quickly add in that they’re not creepy, HAHA! Maybe it’s not a bad thing at all. I guess it has been a great conversation starter too.

Oh well, just thoughts.

Currently jammin’ to: Gold - Britt Nicole

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What a week! It’s not over yet, but so much has happened the past few days (like getting a bad case of the flu, boohoo). My last post definitely gave friends quite the scare, and I apologize wholeheartedly. I felt like my heart was going to BURST if I didn’t let my feelings out. Honestly, it felt good afterwards…and I also realized that my situation wasn’t as bad as I thought it was. See? Women do overthink, hah!

One thing I want to share is my meeting with Jesus the next morning after my little breakdown. It wasn’t a dramatic one, shiny and glowing with trumpets in the air. I just simply woke up with “Read My Word” as the first thought in my head. Interesting, huh? I don’t know about ya’ll, but “Read My Word” is usually not the first thing I think of. Instead, I usually throw pity parties and dread class or think about how much I need to potty. Anyways, shortly after I finally got up, I decided to listen and opened my Bible to the beautiful Psalm 139. 

Reading through this passage was amazing. It’s beautiful, it’s encouraging. It was exactly what I needed during my time of sadness. Verse 14 brightened up my morning. 

I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, and I know that full well.

Psalm 139:14

All my life, I grew up being labeled as “sweet little Vickie”, “innocent”, “pure”…you know..all of that. I felt like I had to live up to these standards, and due to past experiences, I felt like if I messed up somewhere, I’d be judged and left behind. I’m scared to express my feelings, I’m scared to speak up for myself, I’m scared. But no, God certainly did not make me the way I am so that I can hide away and put up a front. I definitely got carried away with my pity parties..because the next few days, I found myself in one-one conversations with brothers and sisters who dedicated their time to me. People do care! I am loved! I’m not alone either! Whether in minutes or hours, each conversation was a step closer to healing me. The Lord does provide, huh? :) He knows very well what we are lacking and will provide abundantly.

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On another note, let me update my life through pictures.

Guess who I met?! Tim Be Told graciously visited UT to perform and even led worship. It was so sweet… at that moment, they no longer became the “stars” I fangirled over and wanted to meet. Instead, it felt like family. They are my brothers in Christ and we sing as One body for Christ.

The brobro turned 21 this March! We “surprised” him, but the slug decided he wanted to come home 30 minutes late. It’s okay, we got back him with a good “brownie” in the face. I’m glad to see him happy.

So we had our first wedding of the year the weekend before Spring Break. It was held at the Vintage Villas, which is by far the most prettiest venue I’ve ever been to. I took on my first pre-wedding session with the bride alone, and it was amazing. I actually bonded with the bride and we both squealed over our love for weddings. Totally adorbs. (Oh yeah, Roger wanted to blackmail me with this picture. Yup, that’s what I do at weddings. Sippin’ it up..) JK.

First Appreciation in AACM! Yeah, after all we’ve done for these boys, they better appreciate us. Haha jk. These boys are the sweetest. They served us a yummy lunch (I seriously thought we were just gonna get sandwiches) and serenaded us as we ate.. well just Nathan. We gave them all a hard time, but deep down, I couldn’t ask for anything better. The afternoon we spent together was enough. 

Fortunately, I had the opportunity to spy photograph the appreciations for the junior, sophomore, and senior classes. The group above is the silly sophomores. The event ran smoothly and it was so nice to capture everyone’s smiling faces. 

FIRST REZ WEEK! I started out not knowing what to expect, but all of my doubts disappeared after the first night. I am so grateful. During the day, we chilled with everyone in front of Greg or in the tents that housed beautiful artwork. To conclude each evening, we were able to attend a meeting with wonderful messages and sweet worship. There’s so much to write about Rez week, but I’ll save that for next time. 

To conclude Easter weekend, I photographed at the Senior Girls Appreciation. I haven’t told anyone yet, but I actually teared up a little during the event. These are the sweetest people I have ever met. You can truly see the love they have each other and I felt so honored to photograph them. Trust me.. I was so happy. Every time they did something cute, I would squeal to Felix and swoon. 

Oh yeah, check out my team :) Felix and Waiaka are my lifesavers. I was a little sick that weekend, but thank goodness I had them two to depend on. We work so well together.. I’ll miss them both dearly. 

I think I’ve said enough for tonight. Goodbye my loverlies.

Vickie

My thoughts are everywhere right now.

I’m not sure what to write either…but I just know I’m…sad.

I’m frustrated.

I’m annoyed.

I’m cynical.

I’m jealous.

I envy.

I am tired and I complain.

I compare myself to others.

I judge and I am judged.

I’m the person that I feared to be. 

Imperfect.

I’m not..perfect.

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It’s impossible to stay happy everyday..no matter how much I try. I guess I’m hitting rock bottom right now. My emotions are ridiculous. I feel lonely when I’m alone, but I push people away when I’m with them. I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to listen. I’m happy one moment and then I’m frustrated with life. I’m starting to say what I”m really thinking or feeling and it’s not pretty at all. I express my anger through groans and screams. I’m not good at hiding my emotions either..

What exactly do I want? I seriously can’t figure that out. I tried to count my blessings, I tried to pray, I tried talk it out, but I’m just so so upset. 

I am embarrassed with myself. I can’t believe I’m feeling all of this the past two weeks. I want it to go away. Please, God, take it all away. I want to write a nice post, but I can’t bring myself to. 

God, please help me. Please help me accept my imperfection. Please let me be satisfied in You because.. it’s hard to be right now.

I had two.

#1. I’m planning my birthday’s party.
What I meant to say: I’m planning to plan my brother’s birthday party.

//edit. DARN IT. I MEANT TO TYPE: I’m planning my brother’s birthday party.

#2. My brother’s little birthday is on the 31st.
What I meant to say: My little brother’s birthday is on the 31st.

Another one.. within 5 minutes.

#3. When I was walking out of the jackq lounge.
What I means to say: When I was talking out of the jq lounge. 

#4. Cheng: What’s your brother’s favorite basketball player?
      Me: Michael …Jackson?
      …. I really meant to say Michael Jordan. Really.

Hi tumblr. Hi friends. I am back… finally. 

I cannot believe I am even writing a post about this, but.. here goes…

So last night, I went to bible study and the discussion topic was “Money” in 2 Corinthians 8. To start things off, we were each asked to share what we value. I sensed that most people struggled with that question because either they just couldn’t think of anything or they just didn’t understand it. Me? Aside from Jesus and my family, I obviously thought of my camera, my very expensive camera. 

Of course, that’s not a bad thing. God blesses each of us with a different and unique interest and talent, but what exactly is my problem?

WELLLLL….

Ever since I came back to Austin after winter break, I’ve been consumed with school and photography. (“WHAT? Photography? I thought you liked loved it!”) Yes.. photography. 

It’s not that I don’t like it anymore, but ever since spring semester started, I’ve been shooting weekly either personally or with Day 7. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s a blessing. I love working with people because I get to know them personally, and as tired as I am, I am still very much in love with my hobby.

But maybe that’s the problem. 

I struggle with balancing my time, my priorities, and most importantly, my attitude. With time, I try to accept every session as soon as I’m asked, which leads me to scheduling them weekend after weekend. Why do I do that? No one’s forcing me to do that.. no one’s in a rush, but somehow I always am. Even though that may not seem like a big issue, I realized how much time I’ve robbed from God and my friends. I just feel like I stab a friend in the heart every time I tell them, “Sorry, can’t make it to dinner.. can’t make it to lunch..can’t make it to the party.” Can’t can’t can’t. That’s all I ever say now. In addition to that, I am exhausted. I come home tired and I never want to talk anymore. I can’t focus on my studies, and I don’t spend enough time with God either. And when I do have free time, I am religiously studying photography blogs.

See how photography became an idol for me? 

And worst of all, I’m starting to see photography with the wrong attitude. A great photographer does not settle for one pretty picture because they’re always striving to improve next time. I abuse that. In a sense, yes… it’s good when I’m not 100% satisfied with my work, but over and over again, I’m always beating myself up for doing not as well as I thought.. and forcing myself to achieve something beyond others. The pressure and stress I put upon myself is so unnecessary.

I think the ultimate question I need to reflect upon is “Who am I serving?” Am I serving myself? Am I serving the satisfaction of my clients? Or am I serving my God? It’s sometimes difficult to realize that it was through the “grace of our Lord Jesus Christ” that I am able to use a camera, to capture the beautiful moments. In return, I should learn to glorify my God with what I do.

Last year you were the first not only to give but also to have the desire to do so. ¹¹ Now finish the work, so that your eager willingness to do it may be matched by your completion of it, according to your means. ¹² For if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what one does not have.

Verse 10-12 in 2 Corinthians 8 really spoke to me when I read it. As I apply this to myself, I focused all my attention on the word “willing”. Where is my “eager willingness”? To truly be willing, I have to learn how to set all of my own desires and expectations aside. I should not be doing this for money, recognition, identity, and attention. Because all is provided by God, whether I know it or not… and the gift I’m receiving from Him is the ability to capture His beautiful works and His beautiful people. 

My hopes after returning from Spring Break is first, to remember why I’m a photographer. (Because I love it!) And second, to remember that He is faithful and will bless me when I do it all in His will rather than my own.